HOPE ALIVE!

Lately, I’ve been feeling so unsettled. Feels like I can have a conversation but not for too long. I can be around people but not too many, or for too long, else I get irritated. I can laugh and smile but not too often, not too much. Not too wide. Because.... Just because it doesn’t feel right.

It’s been a while since I saw him in my dreams, i used to see him in my dreams everyday and that gave me some sort of solace, some sort of hope that he is fine and that he will be home soon. But for months I haven’t seen him, I haven’t heard his voice in my sleep.

I can’t shake away this sick feeling that something might be wrong. Is something wrong? Is everything wrong? As his birthday grew closer, the more difficult it was to shake away this feeling.
With this pandemic spreading round the world, I can’t stop thinking about where he could be. Is he safe?

It’s been five years and sometimes I feel like my life is out of my control , as if I was a character in some cruel writer’s novel. Kurt Vonnegut once said that to write a good story, “Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them.”


Could this just be a really good story.


I remember receiving the call, breaking the news to my mum. I mean, Jeffrey has always had a way of keeping everyone on edge, talk about the child that is most likely to get into trouble, 6 out of 7 days in a week and you immediately think of Jeffrey so I was kinda used to receiving complaints about him but this time it was different.

Different cos I saw him in my dreams few days back. Saw him two days in a roll and I remember how troubled I was. Troubled enough that I called him to tell him, I remember he laughed it off and said ‘I’m fine jor’ ‘I’m working on something’.

You would think that would spark up some interest in me, you would think I would’ve asked more questions or pried further cos what could a 22years old possibly be working on. But instead I said ‘Just be careful, you know how things are right now’ ‘please be careful’. That’s almost like saying ‘oh you have my approval, just be careful’.

I realize now that if I had asked further, Jeffrey would’ve spilled the beans. He was never really good at keeping secrets from me, I just needed to ask the right questions and press a little harder. But I didn’t. I was occupied with going out for a nice time.

There’s no social script for how to react when a person goes missing. There are no guidelines for what’s appropriate and inappropriate. Most of us never even consider that this could happen.

Suddenly, people I barely knew or hadn’t heard from in years were contacting me because they learned about what happened to Jeff. And while I’m sure they had nothing but good intentions, their reaching out felt more like a social obligation or a chance to get closer to a dramatic situation they’d heard about than a sincere gesture.

I quickly realized my close friends and extended family were feeling just as powerless to help me, or even to know what to say or do in the face of such an awful, unthinkable experience. Should they distract me? Tell me to keep hope alive? Hug me? Tell me I’m “in their thoughts and prayers”?

Some shared their own experiences of loss, deaths. Those losses are certainly tragic and I cannot imagine what they meant to these individuals, but that’s kind of the point: Everyone’s trauma is unique to their own experience. I believe people can relate to one another’s experience, but at that point in the search for Jeff, I wasn’t in the emotional position to respond to other people’s grief. I had no idea if I should even be feeling grief. More times than not, these moments made me feel angry because I felt misunderstood.

I’d think to myself, My brother is missing. I don’t know where he is. He might have been murdered and you’re telling me you understand what I’m going through because your dog died? He is only 22 years old ... My younger brother isn’t supposed to be missing!

The first few months after Jeff’s disappearance, the phone would ring and there’d be no one there. I’d say, Jeff, if that's you, please say something. But I would be met with dead silence. This went on for months and then it stopped and it started again and then it stopped. I would give anything to get those calls again.


Do I think about him all the time? Of course.


I miss my brother’s unique perspective on the world and his ability to make something of nothing. I miss our gist and how he gets my sarcasm. I miss making fun of my mum’s drama with him. I miss helping him draft apology and birthday messages to my parents.

I miss sending signals to him during morning devotion. I miss telling him about the man in my life. I miss weighing the pros and cons with him. I miss pretending to be his girlfriend to help him get girls. I miss talking about the future with him, talking about all the things we could be. I miss Jeff’s ridiculous sense of humor.

In Jeff’s head, he wanted to be a rap artist, a civil engineer, a sailor, a naval officer and many more. He also wanted to be a good son, a good brother, a good friend and a good person. I forgot to add “rich”. Jeff was constantly struggling between who he was and who he knew he could be.

I always told him he could be anything he wanted. I remember an incident that happened once, I was so upset with him and he could tell. I told him I was done defending and making excuses for him. I could tell he was remorseful, he felt really bad and he said ‘Jay, I really want to change, I’m trying’ I told him to try harder and walked away. I felt bad and called him afterwards and we made up.

There is a side of Jeff that not a lot of people had the chance to see. Jeff is a softie at heart, although he tried to hide it but if you know him, if you really know him, then you would see.

However, painful the process may be, I have no doubt in my mind that I will see my brother again, I have no doubt that he will come back home and when he does come home, the first thing he’ll get is a slap, for all the grief he has put us through. Then he might just get a hug.


A very big hug. 😊


HOPE - A feeling of expectation or desire for a particular thing to happen!