2019...

Hey Guys.

So it’s been a minute since my last post. I have been pretty occupied with life and I’ve really struggled to find the time to any any extra activities for myself. I promise to finally find that balance and do better this year.🤞

Well, I’ve come to realize that at the end of every year,  we begin to crave for closure, we draw conclusions, add full stops, analyze facts, look back, and then make efforts to move on. We work on unfinished projects so we can move forward. Or so we believe. Or so we believe because we want to try hard to make plans with an eye to the future about which we are honestly uncertain. Because we never know where the present is going to take us in the end.

As 2019 ends, I’ve decided to make my closure too, I am not an exception afterall...I remain human, I guess.

Hmmm. This was a strange year. I spent the first part of it motionless, letting the waves of this ocean I sometimes call life hit me hard as I battled against it and everything. But I did not move. I observed and looked, trying to understand why I was here, what my feet were doing, where my head was flying to.

Little by little a thick flow of anger and strength and power started growing inside me, erupting like a volcano and spilling out of my mouth every time I opened it. It wanted to come out as words, as screams, as a protest. But each time I opened my mouth, just anguish and silence. I could just stare ahead, my mouth wide open as i wonder.  But it was not wonder. It was fear.

I could see the my life  in front of me. I could see all that was wrong, all the things I wanted to be different, all I wanted to change. But I still couldn't move, say a word or take a step. And there I was, in front of an ocean of wrong things, my feet soaked by it, and my intentions clear, very clear.

I wanted another ocean. But I didn't dare. These waves were harsh and violent but yet I knew them. And so I stayed . . . Just a bit more. I knew how to defend myself I said time and time again.




The clock struck twenty eight.. Bells began to chime from within. So was I still alive? Was I still good? And well? Was I still well? Were my values still there? And my desires? My dreams? My wishes? Was I married? Do I have kids now? Was there any time left, or was I just turning in my own personal corner? I had to do it. It was then. It had to be then. That then was my now.

I had to change that sad aspect of my soul, change it into a child’s fairy tale. I needed that so I could be reborn, so I could believe again. I had to go back to my happy place  and make a new beginning, there was still time to be me. I had to be me.

The clock struck twenty eight  and I let the magic take the darkness away, the anguish and  the shadows with them. The past came to me and we made a deal, they offered me trust and acknowledgement, and a whole new wisdom, self-approval, self-understanding. In exchange, they could feed from my fears, my insecurities, my reminiscences. They made me promise myself I had to be where I wanted, and that I was not going to negotiate. Not anymore. They understood just how hard I’ve worked to be where I am, they knew how far I had come and what I can accomplish if only i let myself.  They told me not to forget that I was also a woman.

I buried the past and cried over it. I will never forget the tears. They were full and bitter. But necessary. They gave me strength. The power to come back and make changes. If that ocean in front of me was not what I needed, I just had to go in the opposite direction, go south instead of north, go east instead of west. Be where my heart told me to go and not where others wanted me to be.

Several months have passed since that day, and changes are starting to be seen. I have come a long way; or is it a just a short way, but this time it's my way. The ocean is calm, clear, and it does not hit me anymore . . . it just reminds me that wet does not always mean tears. It can be rebirth as well.

Intoxicating things are over. It was painful, however,  I still remember the voice begging me never to lose faith in myself. New things are coming. New expectations, dreams and horizons.

This time, I won't let go. Happy New Year. 🎈