WHEN LOVE TURNS OBSESSIVE

So guys, this is actually a very interesting topic for me because I've been on both end of this, i'm sure a few of us has. I'm currently seeing a soap series called "Rumor Has It" and it really got me thinking; There is this character called Femi. Femi came into the show as a funny and romantic guy but turned into an obsessive freak very quickly and this got me thinking...  How do we know when love turns to obsession and even after we know, how do we walk away without causing any permanent scars.

I once dated a guy who was crazy, crazy obsessive. I was not his first, he had dated a few others before me but i remember feeling like he was a learner because he was somewhat naive to a lot of things  that guys his age should be aware of. He was actually my first but it seemed like i knew more about relationships and how to treat a partner better than he did.

Don't get me wrong though, he was  sweet and romantic, maybe even too romantic. He was faithful, loving and he spoiled me silly. At such a young age, i had very high expectations from men and people in general because of the way he treated me. I guess that was why i overlooked most of his flaws, he would pick my calls, check my messages and i would let it go because i felt it was because of the love he had for me.

If he called and i didn't pick up, he would immediately call my best friend at the time who lived a few blocks from me and if he still does not get through to me, he would drive down to my street. He could not come knocking at my door at the time because of my parents but he would drive around my house until he sees me.

I used to think that if you don't experience some degree of obsessive thinking as a relationship takes hold, you're not truly in love. Emphasis on 'some' because i believed that once we find someone we believe is right for us, we're literally driven to pursue that person.

To keep it real, i still believe that it is only normal to be a little jealous once in a while, particularly if you are involved with a partner that is super attractive and gets lots of attention. And if you have had a partner cheat on you in the past, the issue of trust becomes very heightened.

However, there is a fine line between love, jealousy and obsession.  I was once an obsessor (if such word exist). I remember how i would snoop through his phone, monitor his movements, stalk him on social media. I would instantly become paranoid if he does not pick up my calls. It was unhealthy for both myself and my partner at the time and soon i realized that even though it felt normal, it really wasn't, because even the littlest things like making unfounded accusations of cheating or their whereabouts and snooping through their personal stuffs, also counts as obsession and that could definitely drive a person away.

Although, i didn't feel like i was obsessed at the time, it was escalating rather quickly and i knew i needed to take a huge step back and get myself in check.

So what i did was, i tried not to judge myself even though it was quite difficult at the time. Also, i had someone hook me up with this really cool therapist, i didn't even know we had such in Nigeria. He helped provide more insight and guidance, lots and lots of guidance. Reading also helped and since reading is one of my hobbies, it was not a big deal, i simply went digging online.

But what i really learnt was that, in order to overcome any feeling of obsessiveness in a relationship, friendship or partnership, i had to  first improve what was missing from the inside. I dedicated myself to activities and hobbies that i had earlier stopped participating in because i was so busy obsessing about my partner, i even developed new interest overtime.

I realized that i really didn't "need" a partner and nobody does. What we need is healthy social relationships, supportive people and love, lots of love but a partner is only one source of what we need. Of course, it is something we all want in our lives but "neediness" should not be the motivation to become involved with someone.

I learnt that Love is a choice, not an imperative!